Letting them win

by lostboundries

So there is this thought that I have been juggling for quite a while, and I really think it’s kind of the natural conclusion to many of my story arcs. This idea of not letting hold things over you and chalking it up to the game, and letting a loss be a loss. I don’t want to keep holding hate; I don’t want to keep thinking of the ones that hurt me or how I’ve never got closure. I just don’t think it’s worth it anymore in this state in my life, at least not this stuff.

I know I said I would let them win, but that does not mean I will forget what happened. History repeats itself for fools that don’t learn from their mistakes. I will let what they have done rest in my mind, hopefully it will surface close to the front but far enough back that it isn’t one of my first thoughts while I maybe spend time with that person.

I don’t want to end up spending so much time wishing for people back or wishing that I had changed how I did this in my life. I am willing to let them win so that these chains no longer hold me in place.

I think I have been trying too hard

Too long spent holding onto chains rusted

ran through channel islands of bliss only to wade in waters of discontent.

I don’t think I can “win” it’s only a 3 lettered word

But, by now, it feels like opening a novel

it just does not interest me.

Waking up and realizing how far you have walked

by lostboundries

So, a few days ago I really looked at my life. all of my achievements and failures. How far I have come and where I have come too, also how far I still have to walk.

It honestly became quite hard not to smile, by all accounts I should be dead and I will explain that in a bit.

In 2014, I had a brain injury (AVM to be exact) and it should have killed me. I don’t know what kept me alive but we will call it a miracle. Seeing as how I just got accepted into college (yes, I transfered from a JC) I took this chance just to see how far I have walked.

At this point, the most vivid thing I remember is being told that I may want to consider entering the special Olympics as a way to continue sports (since they had been such a big part of my life). I personally was (and still kinda am) disgusted by that idea. For me, that was never an option and I was going to get back to being able to do things (like run track) by any means necessary. Personally I do not recommend this as a plan of attack, it works but most people cannot stomach that level of failure, I will just be blunt and say I put myself through much more then your average 14 yr old goes through.

The funny part is, even when I finally did it and was able to get to where I wanted…. turns out somewhere along the line I had lost all interest in sports. I did however gain a burning love for fitness in general (it was prob also because this was kinda destructive for me) and that has been with me ever since. I blazed through my recovery in about 2 months and was able to start as a freshman the same time as everyone else which surprised everyone including my doctors that I was that determined after almost dying.

I even went as far as too completely throw away my IEP (a thing to help students with “disability’s”) and refuse to take advantage of or even use it in my whole time at high-school. Looking back, this was all kinda stupid and I should have taken a bit more time. I understand why I did it but still it was unnecessary and painful, Very Very painful.

But, it’s my life. It’s funny, its full of mistakes, but, it got me to where I am and that makes me smile.

The future only matters once its close enough to reach, once it finally is, it is already the present.

So I just ended a 3 year relationship

by lostboundries

Yep, today is 2/24/21 and I just ended a 3 year relationship with (prob) my best friend since I started college (3 years ago).

I know it does not make a lot of sense but let me explain, me and this girl (yes, a girl) were in a fling at the very start of the friendship (4 months in, i believe) and it clearly did not workout. But, as I was supposed to be becoming friends with this person since the fling didn’t workout. I think my Self-esteem started to fall around that time as well which led me to become quite sad and lonely. So lonely in fact that it basically consumed me for the better part of 3 years. Loneliness is a really dangerous thing, especially when you think that is the farthest thing from the truth.

As the years went on, we would fight and drift back together. But, over that time my love for her grew but it was a only a relationship in which she told me to jump and I asked “How High”. So over the years, I really only ended up finding myself to blame.

This most recent event that finally sent me over the edge and allowed me to see how little she valued me (don’t be mistaken, I am at fault here but not for ending the friendship) took place really over a couple of days. I tried to schedule some time to hangout with her and wasted my time for countless time by being late and being unaccountable for her as well as my time.

At about 4 pm today I called her and got a little heated that it was 4 pm and she still had not even left the house. We end up not hanging out and arguing for the rest of the day because we both did not want to say that we had disrespected each other (she says I blew up on her and disrespected her with my words and how I talked to her.). I did in fact not be the nicest person but I was in no way calling her out of her name.

I feel I deserve better, I feel I deserve people who value my time and thus value my person, I think I am valuable and time is one of those things I can’t get back so I do not want to waste it on someone who can’t even understand how much it bothers and hurts me to be repeatedly fucked over like that.

So it is febuary

by lostboundries

I know what I said, But first off, welcome to February and Black History month. With a new month comes new opportunities and (hopefully) less challenges. In this month I have started My last semester of school, I did have a winter session class so sadly there was little to no winter break for me but that was ok. I (hopefully) got accepted into my college and am on my way to a bachelors degree in communication. This has definitely been a long road and a long time coming but I am just grateful that I am even hear along for the ride.

I am currently signed up for 5 classes, but the 5th is actually just more busy work than anything so I do not really mind. I was very much scared of two classes, I was scared of my Spch 120 class (I had her last semester and am afraid that because of that she will discount me,) as well as my Psyc 205 (Math is my worst subject) surprisingly my math class is being set up to be one of my best math classes I have ever taken and I am really looking forward to it.

However, even with all the luck I have, I know I will still have many doubt filled nights ahead of me where the questionability of what I am doing will come into play. I know I can do this I am just not ready to ask myself at what cost.

That is all for now, here’s to us talking again before February’s end.

How I have been (what’s been going on)

by lostboundries

So, I hope you are all well but to be quite honest, I know 2021 is a bit rocky so the last thing I wanna do is take up your time incase you need yo get your affairs in order.

In brief, I have to get a Operation done on my head to replace my shunt.

What that means (longer explanation) is that I have to have my shunt from my AVM (Brain bleed) which has a 10% (added) every year to close up from scar tissue. For me, it has been 7 yrs since I have gotten the first one and have never replaced it. This means it has been 7 years of a added 10% chance (so in total 70%) of it not yet failing. I should also mention that if I do not get the surgery I will most likely die because then I will have an 80% chance it will fail and well, that will lead me to die. So, it must be said that this is kind of mandatory as far as surgery goes.

It has not really bothered me that I have to have this done, I mean it could be a lot worse haha. I could not currently be compensating for the lack of function of the current shunt and could be in a coma or worse for all I know (and yes, that means technically, any moment that could happen).

I am pretty thankful for this happening, I mean, I would not be where I was, I would not have made all the strives that I have. I also would definitely not know any of you and quite frankly that would make me sad.

I cannot control what happens throughout the day, only how I react to every given situation

What has happened at capitol Hill

by lostboundries

Warning: This blog post will talk about what has recently occurred the impact that this event has and will leave. Please be warned this may not be the best talk but it will be brief.

What took place was nothing more then treason

I ,as many others, simply watched from the various feeds all over social media depicting a very morally broken and unjust Governmental system showing it’s fruits it had grown over the course of 4 years at the unholy “Garden of Eden”.

I did see a day like this coming, I think we all did. I however, believe nobody expected this. I mean if there was any trust in the government up to this point it is now shattered and being swept under the rouge and might not ever have the chance to be fixed.

I do not know what the future holds, inauguration day is set for Jan 20th as it always has but Trump will not be there. There seem to be many good reasons for this but we should be wary of the reasons we may not be thinking of just yet, please keep that in mind as we move forward.

2020 Recap, Good and bad

by lostboundries

Hello everyone, Long time no see tight? Look, I understand that this year has been abysmal at best. But, there can be good through hell fire, not much good (considering how this year went but still).

I’d have to Imagine, nobody went through 2020 and remained the same in every way. This year was rough. But, that may still come to make a better ending then imagined.

In this year alone I have personally: Lost my closest friend, went to the bottom (in terms of depression), Been in isolation for a year now (wow it has been that long?), and gone through the shit show that was my fall semester at school.

But, I have also: Found an unperilled amount of love and joys and passion, Learned to love silence and being alone, Found hope and faith in places I no longer cared to look, and over all just found peace.

I also started Anti-depressants, for what it’s worth (it is still pretty early on) they have proved to be very useful in my life and helped in putting the final block (I think) for my mental health.

Ao yes, this year was pretty shit, but there is never light without darkness and vice versa. I hope you will tell me about your life as well, I will see you soon.

Finding light in darkness (LostBlog#7)

by lostboundries

(Personal Experience)

I have found that depression Has created a orb of darkness that I am encompassed in, but while inside I can see the light shinning all around me.
Darkness is a orb that lets nothing shine in, at first I didn’t like it but I have been enveloped in it for so long that I find it comforting.
I suppose I find it comforting because I can work in it, I can feel it and it has gotten to the point where it does not phase me anymore to be sad.
Although, the shine of light is strong and vivid. I love it so much and feel good from just basking in it.

Even in an orb of darkness, I can still stretch the legs of light

Burning your own bridges (Lost Blog #6)

by lostboundries

I feel as if to feel this happy, I have somehow burned one of my own bridges or perhaps, made a deal with some unholy entity to secure my mindset for the foreseeable future.
It feels as if my whole life outlook has changed for the better (personally speaking), but I feel as if it has brought me away from the few humans I interact with.
While I don’t feel alone or lost, I do feel a little standoff-ish. But, I have no doubt that I will make more friends and life will continue as planned if not better in some way!
I love life, and I want to continue to feel that way so whatever I can do to feel that way, I will do.
When I titled this “Burning your own Bridges” I was not really sure what that mean’t, after pondering what that truly means. I’ve come to the conclusion that I have burnt various bridges on the way I used to look at things.
While I am no longer to look at life the same way, I feel it is heavily for the netter and will help me to grow in the long run.
Never be afraid to change for the better.

Finding piece (Personal Experience) LostBlog #5

by lostboundries

Recently as you know I have been going through the motions and really becoming a better person.
All and all just affirming my beliefs and molding myself in this time of crisis. I as a person have found what grounds me, it feels like i’m a bit closer to maintain being whole.
while it is a battle I will never win, it Is a battle I try to be a participant in.
I guess my goal was never to actually win, just get both sides to work together in some way.
For any person who’s ever been at odds with someone, you know that that is a very hard thing and likely not to happen.
Personally I feel as if I have really found my love for poetry again, actually here is something I recently wrote.

“Why do we praise the same thing

Truth and trust over all,

Believing in one another is “key” but we let our beliefs be judged by different screens

But there all looking at the same out come, so many diffrent opinions I’m starting to wonder is life worth living if you don’t have one?

It’s what they all want

You must have something to share

Diffrent options on the ones who are controlling our life

Let’s all share!

But while we’re out giving our peace and our two cents

They’ve got a buck fifty

Nice shiny quarters put our cents to shame” -J.P

Refining a drive for something I truly love has made all my task far less daunting then originally thought to be.
I’m finding task that I would usually find boring and I would slack off, much more doable and I for one am ready to do them.
Nothing in this world last forever, so I know this feeling is fleeting.
But while I have a hold of it, I will use and nurture it so that next time it may last a little longer.

Feeling better (lost blog #4)

by lostboundries

Disclaimer, this is personal experience

Over the past few months there has been a worldwide pandemic that has left us very stationary and static (thanks Covid-19) state,

Even though that is the case, I have found the Quarantine to be very relaxing and proving to be the perfect scenario for personal growth (at least somewhat).

I find I have improved my self understanding as far as my mental state goes. I think my life has vastly improved, I have an understanding of what I want in life.

I am starting small project’s at scale (for me that means that I have started all of these with the intent to get them to be streams of revenue but that takes time… Lots of time)

Some of those projects are Blogging, Videography,More Poetry, things that have to do with those like editing as well.

The end goal is to have one or more of these be a stream of revenue for me so that I am able to largely do as I please without any (or little) interference.

It is and will continue to be a uphill battle for me inn my life, knowing my life is hard is somehow comforting because I know that I am alive

Lost Blog #3

by lostboundries

Fighting Your demons with your voice

(The work I will be referencing is a published work by mark Manson)

Link: https://markmanson.net/how-to-overcome-your-demons

There is no way to truly win against our demons, all we can do is come to peace with them, but that war will never be won.

I think Mark Manson Is a great author and the things he talks about are very hard hitting and real.

In this short talk he talks of how to (for better or worse) deal with your demons. We often do not talk of this side of our-self for lack of being understood and maybe, also a fear of being understood.

In this short audio talk on the topic of battling demons, Mark Manson goes into a little backstory of how his monsters took over a large portion of his 20’s.
This, while not serving much in the way for discussion, allows a link of reliability to be established with the reader and writer.

My own experiences with this topic at hand make this audio track (most likely an excerpt from his book) a much more heartfelt listen and mean that much more.

Take care everyone,

Jordan pace

LostBlog#2 (personal experience)

by lostboundries

The fear of being stationary

I have gone through a lot in regards of feeling “stuck”.

From feeling like I was going nowhere fast at the age of 17 to thinking I hadn’t moved anywhere (metaphorically speaking) since I was 12.

It often isn’t the easiest thing to get “unstuck” either. It can range from taking a few days to a few years, in truth, a rut is something that can often times turn into an abyss that takes (or can take) years to crawl out of.

I have a couple of ideas to make these trials a tad bit less daunting and impossible looking to get past.

1.Look as much to the bright side as possible (even if there isn’t one)

Looking into darkness will only bring a sense of calmness once completely enveloped in it. Looking to the bright side will more (more times than not) be harder, as well as take more time but, it will without a shadow of a doubt be far more rewarding.

You will come from this experience with life lessons and strategies for life if you work in this fashion, especially for the struggles you may encounter further down the road of life.

2.Keeping moving forward, never backwards

This step might be a little self explanatory, but even knowing that, I still never utilized this simple fact for years.

In order to walk forward, you must know of a starting line in general to make any progress walking forward, in any sense you must know of the wall behind you to walk away from it.

I know these strategies may not work for everyone but I hope you may all find something useful in this, if I can help even one person then this will all have been worth it.

In times of a crisis, work out

by lostboundries

recently corona virus has struck just about all of the world. Social distancing is a thing, and more recently then ever, Introverts have been able to shine!

OK, all jokes aside Covid-19 Is a very serious thing! But in these times of stress it is not always good to keep it bottled up.

Recently L.A Fitness has closed down it’s Gyms in order to do there part to combat the Virus that is calming the nation. That does not However, Mean that it is less likely to workout. also at this point it might just calm your nerves.

A article written in Health guide.org tells of the natural treatment that is working out to combat anxiety and depression.

The effects of depression itself are far and varied, ranging from feeling lost to being anxious enough to jump out of your skin. Workingout, being the natural treatment that it is does various things to your body much better then just making you look and sometimes feel better.

Serotonin, In simple terms. The “Happy” brain drug, Is something the human body gladly produces on there own and is directly tied to a “good” feeling or sensation. It and working out go hand and hand to combat depression.

People who exercise regularly tend to do so because it gives them an enormous sense of well-being. They feel more energetic throughout the day, sleep better at night, have sharper memories, and feel more relaxed and positive about themselves and their lives. And it’s also powerful medicine for many common mental health challenges.

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/healthy-living/the-mental-health-benefits-of-exercise.htm

Excising in this time of uncertainty is one thing that will always be certain and an Improvement in life that may prove to be indispensable.

Many of the best workouts are what are called plyometric exercise or “body weight” exercise’s, These are things like: Planks,push-up’s or crunches and lunges. These activate central parts of the body and abdominal system in order to get you well fitted for whatever troubles may lie ahead.

At the end of the day why not work out? most people now have so much free time on their hands.

It’s been some time

by lostboundries

SO I know it has been awhile, I’m not expecting anyone to be here or even reply or comment. Just focusing on getting back into the groove of things when it comes to blog post.

So in the time I have been absent and away. I have released a poetry collection called “perfectly Imperfect”, My online presence has only grown, and for the most part, I am far more happy then I have been in awhile.

I deffintely felt myself getting tired when I hit around 1k on twitter, that was a goal I really wanted and was striving for really hard so when I got it. Honestly I found myself a bit exhausted.

Now that I have released my first poetry collection (Already working on the next). I most ceartinly feel a fire inside of me to do more and make more. Above all else, to simply learn more.

“Perfectly Imperfect” Is a collection of poetry relating to how I (And sometimes others) deal with Love,Loss,Growth, and Inspiration

I also want to leave you all with a poem I have recently wrote, let me know if you enjoy!

I’ve found you, the pages of my life stopped to highlight your beauty.

The sun & the moon stopped in their rotation to watch you.

Star born lovers, a kindle betwixt them.

But none shall utter a word, the idle tide grows disturbed between them.

But Every time I’ve closed my eyes to faraway lands.

I have found you again & again. 

Forever & Always 

-J.P

loneliness v.s simply being alone (my personal experince)

by lostboundries

loneliness is a privilege not many can afford to experience. I would have not have felt this way at all if you had spoke to me about this even one month ago. But as of recent I find myself craving the alone time. where I can just think and be (rather) content on my own.but as I slowly start to see the world that I live in and those that inhabit it and think of them. As a society of humans we are very dependent on one another. so much so intact that we also feel alone and suffer physical and mental effects of loneliness.

Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible form of poverty. – Mother Theresa

Loneliness (which I have dealt with and still deal with) has run rampant for a large majority of my life. at times I felt as if I was victim to my own thoughts and memories, so self absorbed in looking down the timelines of things such as facebook and twitter. However what appeared as a more apparent problem was the fact that some of my memories from a bit of a ways back had seemed to somehow comeback front and center and were now somewhat more apparent then before. I found myself longing for human touch and feel, so much so to the point where I would do a lot of questionable things just to be around (unjust and wrong type for me) people. it felt as if I utterly needed there touch just to get through another day but that couldn’t be father (in my case).

Isolation is the one sure way to human happiness

-Glenn Gould

A man in isolation, free from the burdens other humans provide. is in a temporary paradise, stay too long and the thing you wish to get so far away from may end up becoming what you crave most. In isolation it is very easy to feel lost, hard to feel any sense of personal headway at all. there inlays where most people give up, deciding you need to work on yourself, pushing those toxic away is the easy part. In all that lies a more serious problem. the problem oof how will you manage to work on yourself all by yourself. most people just simply find a new click and change there outward appearance and try to act for as long as possible as if they’ve changed. In the process convincing themselves as well that they have done what they think they have. Spend any long term amount of time with that person and you will find they are no more different then when you first heard from them, rather, they might now be worse off, Having spent all that energy putting up a facade of sorts they have none to actually work on themselves.

What lies beyond “soul searching” as a simple saying? lots and lots of time looking into yourself, usually in isolation because if you spend all your energy in pursuit of a higher sense of self, most often then not, You have very little energy to spend on anyone else.

The act of Isolation and being alone while not for everyone. Is (In my opinion) extremely rewarding and as mentally sound as practices can be. it rewards me with a strong sense of self, as well as quite frankly giving me the needed rest I must have from people in order to pursue another day.

A little bit of a life update

by lostboundries

So for those of you who read this blog whenever I happened to post I am sorry, I got caught up in school and life and now that school is over I want to go back to using this as was originally intended. As a place to dump my thought. Now, I won’t lie, This year was a bit wild. ride. I mean I completely changed at least on the surface and some of me changed fundamentally as well. I just remember working out harder than ever during the summer, really emmbrassing that loneliness that I was trying to run away from and changing. I spent so much time by myself I often forgot to ask people to hangout, it never registered. I got what I wanted, I grew so much but I also developed a huge ego about myself. I however, don’t blame myself as it was more or less required for me to be comfortable being alone all this time. That, nonetheless would slowly ruin things. It was hard readjusting myself to help people and more over care about them and accept that maybe I was wrong on a few things.I had a large ego and as I write this I am working to develop a strong, rather malleable ego. One that can accept when it is wrong and work to understand and grow rather than one that falls back and tries to prove that it is right. I ceartinly do not want to go back to how I was before but at the same time, I do not want to stay stagnant or revert to how I was.

I also finished up the semester, It was pretty rough but I finished. There was so much that I did not understand but I still tried my best and I think I made it out ok. There were a few things that I wish could have and should have gone differently but regardless, it is over and I should work on today and the present because that is all there is and all that there ever will be.

Feeling alone in a crowded room

by lostboundries

I just want to say from the jump that I am a little bit of a pessimist

So a little background about a convo that I had last night with a friend: I was under the impression that we had a little thing going on, (if you understand what I mean) a little fling even if you will. This person had explained to me since I asked that “You can’t hold me, physically comfort me” and at that point I just kinda left the chat and didn’t respond. I don’t want to be hurt, I mean can you blame me? I am so numb to the idea of sacrificing myself for others sake that I guess I just don’t wanna do it anymore. I can’t.

The talk, it was just kinda a wake up call cuss it was them crying over the phone to me and like talking about how they want to feel loved and appreciated and how they keep making bad mistakes based on past trauma of trying to be loved. And I was just sitting there on the other end unable to cry even though I wanted to. Unable to be sad but wanting too. It made me think “when did I stop crying and showing emotion?”. It just kinda hurt because I wanted/want those same things. I want to be loved and cared for and appreciated. I keep telling myself I’m worth it. I keep telling myself it’ll be worth the wait but at a certain point, you just get tired of waiting. You start thinking you’re the reason that nobody loves you but you don’t know what else to change. And you’re mad at the fact you had to change in the first place. You don’t know what you’re aiming for but you know that staying here is the fastest way to be miserable. I think, and I explained this to her. I think we change and modify ourselves outta desperation, we don’t know if there could be anyone on the other end of the rainbow (most times there’s not) but it’s the potential of someone being there that makes us wanna change.

I should add that I am not one to cry and complain about how alone I am anymore, I know I am. I know there are others like me that tend to feel Alone in a crowded room but I’ve stopped expressing my needs, yelling out to anyone who will listen. It is just a waste of my energy and I have no need for it, people only care about whats important and it is REALLY easy to see weather someone cares or not.

I actually wrote a poem, ill attach it too the end

I sit in this room, alone

Hazel chandlers dangling, sluggish movement left to right asking me to join them

So close, so far

Asking to be seen in a world that only has tunnel vision.

I cannot pretend anymore

My curves exude my confidence

But all there is to be seen is what we want

My body disappears 

I just want to be viewed as if I am a diet video in a world trying to love themselves

It feels almost pointless to ask

To be seen in a world full of things to look at 

It feels like committing sin

Maybe it is,

But if your reading this by now

I’ve finally been seen

This is what I have to tell the person that saw me.

I am on the autism spectrum

by lostboundries

So I want to let you all know a few things, well mainly one in particular and I am sorry I am sending this so late into the night

I am autistic, I have Aspergers. This is nothing new, this was actually told to me after I was released from the hospital when I was first diagnosed with depression when I went to see a therapist. (This was right after my brain injury so sorry if there was any confusion there)

Now, from what I understand Aspergers is “High functioning autism. Not that I fully understand that or really get it but hey, it’s there. I suppose it is kinda like being diagnosed with high functioning depression.

It has never really bothered me but I think that is because I never really gave it the chance to speak. I never really tried to understand anything that happened in my life at that point. I mean can you blame me? I was 14.

It was not until recently that I actually decided to do the soul searching and read into how I felt about the things that happend 7 years ago. I guess it was because I never wanted to accept this new reality, I wanted to continue to fabricate this world in where I never had a brain injury and everything wasn’t different and I could just continue as two separate people. One who had everything stripped away, and one who was continuing to cling to a fantasy that never really existed.

I’d argue that having to come to terms with the fact that I am autistic has made me an even stronger person than before. I’ve been watching a YouTube’r by the alias “Paige Laye” and to be completely honest, she made me remember what the doctor had said to me. Her videos are very informative and she really seems like she is trying to do this only to help people and out of the kindness of her heart.

To get into my therapist though… he was downright horrible and quite frankly I don’t know how he got into the field. I have a much better therapist now and someone I very much trust and like working with and have worked with for almost 5 years now. wish that woman nothing but the best.

But yes, I am autistic and I just want to make that loud and clear, a-lot of it makes sense but a-lot of it is also rather confusing and weird. it’s still quite a-lot to navigate but I feel like if I down let this out then I will just continue to spiral and spiral.

It just clicked

by lostboundries

I am so starved for a relationship, for someone to want me and to be with me and to understand me that I might be choosing people or relationships that are bad just because it is a potential option. that’s pretty shitty, especially when you realize it. Now for the most part I pride myself on being a rather alone person, don’t get me wrong through, it hurts like hell to be alone. but for me there is now peace in the art. it is not just me feeling like I am going insane anymore, I actually feel like I can get something out of my day to day life without wishing for the company of someone. I go to the gym quite a bit, I also work a retail job so that is a-lot of my time as well. it honestly is not completely bad. I do find myself wanting to connect with friends and for the most part I try my best too. But, my friends are mostly buy. living on your own is expensive, and it often has them doing a-lot of work to make money and honestly if it is not that they might be hanging out with their partner. I wish they could hang out with me but its their choice. for my own mental health lets not talk about the probability that i might just not be a priority. A Lot of things hurt and bother me, but it is what it is. I will just have to find out some way to make things better on my own.

I know this post may not have made a ton of sense but these are honestly my thoughts at the moment.

So today I had an interview

by lostboundries

I had an Interview for a internship and I am pretty sure I bombed it. it was a job working for as a digital marketing and social media assistant. Let me just say that I have Never worked in that field, I’ve also never had a “Professional” Job. I feel that I really want this job, it is payed but that isn’t really the reason I am here. I want experience, I want to learn and educate myself on the working world. I found out that they just recently hired the marketing and social media manager so if I made it too the second round of interviews that’s who I would be meeting. I really don’t know if I could get the job but I think it is worth a try either way. I believe I will hear back in a month either way so that would be nice.

Sorry for the rather short update but I hope you area all doing well.

The loneliness epidemic

by lostboundries

It’s not that I feel completely lost or even scared of how my life is going. I mean if I am being honest it isn’t completely bad. However, I do have a severe lack of decent connections and I have an abundance of superficial connections with people. also for an update, I have finished college and am now transferring to my local university to be able to get my degree and hopefully better my life.

Right now I am trying to make more connections but I also feel it is alot harder when your pool of friends isn’t to big but it is also not too small. sorry this is such a short update. it just feels good to write something

I’m a little lost right now.

by lostboundries

Let me just talk real quick about how every-time I go on this app, it feels like the layout has changed or its giving me a notification of some new feature.

To get right into things I am not moving out, at least I think. I was really hoping to, honestly it was a big part of my driving force to keep getting things done. I have been trying really HARD at school this semester, and that was a big motivator for me. The fact that i could potentially move out, but, school housing is far to expensive and my parents don’t want me doing dorm life because they think I will hate it. I mean everyone I have talked to has told me they did not like it. I guess good roommates are hard to find.

It does really suck to not be moving out, its really deflating and makes me not really want to do work haha. it was kinda one of my only motivators pushing me to finish well. Not to mention the fact that all my work for college is due within the final month because my teachers are assholes. I really do not get why teachers do that, like they’ll have everything crammed into the last 3 week of school and expect you to do well, meanwhile if you fuck up early on, you just have an F for the whole time lol. I really do not get it haha.

I mean I guess it is still good I am saving money. I only really recently made a concentrated effort to start saving so I have a tiny savings acc but its growing and I am proud of that.

So let us talk about school again

by lostboundries

My thoughts on school aren’t (most likely) ever going to change but while that is the case, I have learned that school is something that most people need.

School in and of itself is there to facilitate growing and problem solving more than anything, I’m not talking of the kind you do for an equation. I am talking of the kind you do for life, finding out what you like and are willing to put up with. Really growing as a human rather then a good worker.

Becoming a person that you can be proud of is something that I think we should all search for and try to obtain. Being happy with ourselves isn’t only something that we fulfill for ourselves, we also fulfill it for others. We create a model of ourselves that we try to project to anyone and everyone that sees us. This model is perfect as we can mold it during those school and younger years to start becoming who we want to see.