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Feeling alone in a crowded room

by lostboundries

I just want to say from the jump that I am a little bit of a pessimist

So a little background about a convo that I had last night with a friend: I was under the impression that we had a little thing going on, (if you understand what I mean) a little fling even if you will. This person had explained to me since I asked that “You can’t hold me, physically comfort me” and at that point I just kinda left the chat and didn’t respond. I don’t want to be hurt, I mean can you blame me? I am so numb to the idea of sacrificing myself for others sake that I guess I just don’t wanna do it anymore. I can’t.

The talk, it was just kinda a wake up call cuss it was them crying over the phone to me and like talking about how they want to feel loved and appreciated and how they keep making bad mistakes based on past trauma of trying to be loved. And I was just sitting there on the other end unable to cry even though I wanted to. Unable to be sad but wanting too. It made me think “when did I stop crying and showing emotion?”. It just kinda hurt because I wanted/want those same things. I want to be loved and cared for and appreciated. I keep telling myself I’m worth it. I keep telling myself it’ll be worth the wait but at a certain point, you just get tired of waiting. You start thinking you’re the reason that nobody loves you but you don’t know what else to change. And you’re mad at the fact you had to change in the first place. You don’t know what you’re aiming for but you know that staying here is the fastest way to be miserable. I think, and I explained this to her. I think we change and modify ourselves outta desperation, we don’t know if there could be anyone on the other end of the rainbow (most times there’s not) but it’s the potential of someone being there that makes us wanna change.

I should add that I am not one to cry and complain about how alone I am anymore, I know I am. I know there are others like me that tend to feel Alone in a crowded room but I’ve stopped expressing my needs, yelling out to anyone who will listen. It is just a waste of my energy and I have no need for it, people only care about whats important and it is REALLY easy to see weather someone cares or not.

I actually wrote a poem, ill attach it too the end

I sit in this room, alone

Hazel chandlers dangling, sluggish movement left to right asking me to join them

So close, so far

Asking to be seen in a world that only has tunnel vision.

I cannot pretend anymore

My curves exude my confidence

But all there is to be seen is what we want

My body disappears 

I just want to be viewed as if I am a diet video in a world trying to love themselves

It feels almost pointless to ask

To be seen in a world full of things to look at 

It feels like committing sin

Maybe it is,

But if your reading this by now

I’ve finally been seen

This is what I have to tell the person that saw me.

So let us talk about school again

by lostboundries

My thoughts on school aren’t (most likely) ever going to change but while that is the case, I have learned that school is something that most people need.

School in and of itself is there to facilitate growing and problem solving more than anything, I’m not talking of the kind you do for an equation. I am talking of the kind you do for life, finding out what you like and are willing to put up with. Really growing as a human rather then a good worker.

Becoming a person that you can be proud of is something that I think we should all search for and try to obtain. Being happy with ourselves isn’t only something that we fulfill for ourselves, we also fulfill it for others. We create a model of ourselves that we try to project to anyone and everyone that sees us. This model is perfect as we can mold it during those school and younger years to start becoming who we want to see.

Waking up and realizing how far you have walked

by lostboundries

So, a few days ago I really looked at my life. all of my achievements and failures. How far I have come and where I have come too, also how far I still have to walk.

It honestly became quite hard not to smile, by all accounts I should be dead and I will explain that in a bit.

In 2014, I had a brain injury (AVM to be exact) and it should have killed me. I don’t know what kept me alive but we will call it a miracle. Seeing as how I just got accepted into college (yes, I transfered from a JC) I took this chance just to see how far I have walked.

At this point, the most vivid thing I remember is being told that I may want to consider entering the special Olympics as a way to continue sports (since they had been such a big part of my life). I personally was (and still kinda am) disgusted by that idea. For me, that was never an option and I was going to get back to being able to do things (like run track) by any means necessary. Personally I do not recommend this as a plan of attack, it works but most people cannot stomach that level of failure, I will just be blunt and say I put myself through much more then your average 14 yr old goes through.

The funny part is, even when I finally did it and was able to get to where I wanted…. turns out somewhere along the line I had lost all interest in sports. I did however gain a burning love for fitness in general (it was prob also because this was kinda destructive for me) and that has been with me ever since. I blazed through my recovery in about 2 months and was able to start as a freshman the same time as everyone else which surprised everyone including my doctors that I was that determined after almost dying.

I even went as far as too completely throw away my IEP (a thing to help students with “disability’s”) and refuse to take advantage of or even use it in my whole time at high-school. Looking back, this was all kinda stupid and I should have taken a bit more time. I understand why I did it but still it was unnecessary and painful, Very Very painful.

But, it’s my life. It’s funny, its full of mistakes, but, it got me to where I am and that makes me smile.

The future only matters once its close enough to reach, once it finally is, it is already the present.

So I just ended a 3 year relationship

by lostboundries

Yep, today is 2/24/21 and I just ended a 3 year relationship with (prob) my best friend since I started college (3 years ago).

I know it does not make a lot of sense but let me explain, me and this girl (yes, a girl) were in a fling at the very start of the friendship (4 months in, i believe) and it clearly did not workout. But, as I was supposed to be becoming friends with this person since the fling didn’t workout. I think my Self-esteem started to fall around that time as well which led me to become quite sad and lonely. So lonely in fact that it basically consumed me for the better part of 3 years. Loneliness is a really dangerous thing, especially when you think that is the farthest thing from the truth.

As the years went on, we would fight and drift back together. But, over that time my love for her grew but it was a only a relationship in which she told me to jump and I asked “How High”. So over the years, I really only ended up finding myself to blame.

This most recent event that finally sent me over the edge and allowed me to see how little she valued me (don’t be mistaken, I am at fault here but not for ending the friendship) took place really over a couple of days. I tried to schedule some time to hangout with her and wasted my time for countless time by being late and being unaccountable for her as well as my time.

At about 4 pm today I called her and got a little heated that it was 4 pm and she still had not even left the house. We end up not hanging out and arguing for the rest of the day because we both did not want to say that we had disrespected each other (she says I blew up on her and disrespected her with my words and how I talked to her.). I did in fact not be the nicest person but I was in no way calling her out of her name.

I feel I deserve better, I feel I deserve people who value my time and thus value my person, I think I am valuable and time is one of those things I can’t get back so I do not want to waste it on someone who can’t even understand how much it bothers and hurts me to be repeatedly fucked over like that.

So it is January

by lostboundries

well, now that it is finally January, I might as well become a productive machine, right?

Well no, I can’t I am becoming far more of the person I want to be, and to my credit I have started off this year in good spirits. However, I have to keep in mind that my life will constantly change throughout this year and big goals are almost meaningless.

When I say big goals are almost meaningless, I mean that they most likely won’t come true. I just have to keep doing what little things I have always been doing or recently adopted and the end result will be in my favor.

I know this was kind of a shorter update and blog post but I really am trying to make this more of a constant.

LostBlog#8

by lostboundries

LIES


I am not talking of the type who tells lies for their own benfit or justification, I am talking of the one who lies to better the ones they are lying too. a marytar in some sense.
We don’t talk of those who gladly die on a hill for our betterment and I think we should.
People should always know they are loved, But, espically those that do things in our blind spot.
Thodo that do things that we can’t, or won’t ever see
Those people are amazing and need to be respected,
Like everyone, they are trying and doing everything they can to improve.

Finding piece (Personal Experience) LostBlog #5

by lostboundries

Recently as you know I have been going through the motions and really becoming a better person.
All and all just affirming my beliefs and molding myself in this time of crisis. I as a person have found what grounds me, it feels like i’m a bit closer to maintain being whole.
while it is a battle I will never win, it Is a battle I try to be a participant in.
I guess my goal was never to actually win, just get both sides to work together in some way.
For any person who’s ever been at odds with someone, you know that that is a very hard thing and likely not to happen.
Personally I feel as if I have really found my love for poetry again, actually here is something I recently wrote.

“Why do we praise the same thing

Truth and trust over all,

Believing in one another is “key” but we let our beliefs be judged by different screens

But there all looking at the same out come, so many diffrent opinions I’m starting to wonder is life worth living if you don’t have one?

It’s what they all want

You must have something to share

Diffrent options on the ones who are controlling our life

Let’s all share!

But while we’re out giving our peace and our two cents

They’ve got a buck fifty

Nice shiny quarters put our cents to shame” -J.P

Refining a drive for something I truly love has made all my task far less daunting then originally thought to be.
I’m finding task that I would usually find boring and I would slack off, much more doable and I for one am ready to do them.
Nothing in this world last forever, so I know this feeling is fleeting.
But while I have a hold of it, I will use and nurture it so that next time it may last a little longer.

It’s been some time

by lostboundries

SO I know it has been awhile, I’m not expecting anyone to be here or even reply or comment. Just focusing on getting back into the groove of things when it comes to blog post.

So in the time I have been absent and away. I have released a poetry collection called “perfectly Imperfect”, My online presence has only grown, and for the most part, I am far more happy then I have been in awhile.

I deffintely felt myself getting tired when I hit around 1k on twitter, that was a goal I really wanted and was striving for really hard so when I got it. Honestly I found myself a bit exhausted.

Now that I have released my first poetry collection (Already working on the next). I most ceartinly feel a fire inside of me to do more and make more. Above all else, to simply learn more.

“Perfectly Imperfect” Is a collection of poetry relating to how I (And sometimes others) deal with Love,Loss,Growth, and Inspiration

I also want to leave you all with a poem I have recently wrote, let me know if you enjoy!

I’ve found you, the pages of my life stopped to highlight your beauty.

The sun & the moon stopped in their rotation to watch you.

Star born lovers, a kindle betwixt them.

But none shall utter a word, the idle tide grows disturbed between them.

But Every time I’ve closed my eyes to faraway lands.

I have found you again & again. 

Forever & Always 

-J.P

Believing in myself

by lostboundries

I’m mabye being a little too optomistic here, but I think that mabye I could do all of this? I don’t really have a reason too be any more optomistic then I was disheartned yesterday. Regardless I’m going to try, I’m going to continue to try and do my best.

I made a little poem (because of coures i did) to go along with it.

A small pocket knife, is enough to cut down the box of doubts.

J.P

“I think I can do it,
taking what little courage I have and forming a small pocket knife.
That’s about all I can muster, but it is more than enough.
thinking you cannot do it is a surefire way to make sure, it never gets done.
believing in yourself is not always important, doing it is.
Against all odds, maybe even your own, a small pocket knife becomes enough to cut down that box of odds.”

my poetry blog

by lostboundries

this my poetry blog, where I will post lots of my peices of my poetry and alot here will end up in a book at one point or another.

I currently have a small following of 300 on twitter and about 60 on instagram (twitter: _jordan_pace , instagram: cloudy_morning_talk ) and i will keep this number up to date every 100. thank you for reading so far!

if I were the moon you’d most certainly be my sun. Your shine overshadows my body like stainless metal ring clasped over my wrist as if they were stolen from Saturn. you allow my dreams to soar as high as my imagination will take me. I day dream of you and our days together, our souls linked by the fire of our creation. But as the sun and the moon properly work we will always be chasing each other, truth be told, we are two sides of an ironic coin.

when I wrote this, I was feeling just the purest sense of butterflies. It felt as if this was my moment, but as the poem concludes, I kind of came down and saw what this might become, an Ironic coin.