Author: lostboundries

A little bit of a life update

by lostboundries

So for those of you who read this blog whenever I happened to post I am sorry, I got caught up in school and life and now that school is over I want to go back to using this as was originally intended. As a place to dump my thought. Now, I won’t lie, This year was a bit wild. ride. I mean I completely changed at least on the surface and some of me changed fundamentally as well. I just remember working out harder than ever during the summer, really emmbrassing that loneliness that I was trying to run away from and changing. I spent so much time by myself I often forgot to ask people to hangout, it never registered. I got what I wanted, I grew so much but I also developed a huge ego about myself. I however, don’t blame myself as it was more or less required for me to be comfortable being alone all this time. That, nonetheless would slowly ruin things. It was hard readjusting myself to help people and more over care about them and accept that maybe I was wrong on a few things.I had a large ego and as I write this I am working to develop a strong, rather malleable ego. One that can accept when it is wrong and work to understand and grow rather than one that falls back and tries to prove that it is right. I ceartinly do not want to go back to how I was before but at the same time, I do not want to stay stagnant or revert to how I was.

I also finished up the semester, It was pretty rough but I finished. There was so much that I did not understand but I still tried my best and I think I made it out ok. There were a few things that I wish could have and should have gone differently but regardless, it is over and I should work on today and the present because that is all there is and all that there ever will be.

Feeling alone in a crowded room

by lostboundries

I just want to say from the jump that I am a little bit of a pessimist

So a little background about a convo that I had last night with a friend: I was under the impression that we had a little thing going on, (if you understand what I mean) a little fling even if you will. This person had explained to me since I asked that “You can’t hold me, physically comfort me” and at that point I just kinda left the chat and didn’t respond. I don’t want to be hurt, I mean can you blame me? I am so numb to the idea of sacrificing myself for others sake that I guess I just don’t wanna do it anymore. I can’t.

The talk, it was just kinda a wake up call cuss it was them crying over the phone to me and like talking about how they want to feel loved and appreciated and how they keep making bad mistakes based on past trauma of trying to be loved. And I was just sitting there on the other end unable to cry even though I wanted to. Unable to be sad but wanting too. It made me think “when did I stop crying and showing emotion?”. It just kinda hurt because I wanted/want those same things. I want to be loved and cared for and appreciated. I keep telling myself I’m worth it. I keep telling myself it’ll be worth the wait but at a certain point, you just get tired of waiting. You start thinking you’re the reason that nobody loves you but you don’t know what else to change. And you’re mad at the fact you had to change in the first place. You don’t know what you’re aiming for but you know that staying here is the fastest way to be miserable. I think, and I explained this to her. I think we change and modify ourselves outta desperation, we don’t know if there could be anyone on the other end of the rainbow (most times there’s not) but it’s the potential of someone being there that makes us wanna change.

I should add that I am not one to cry and complain about how alone I am anymore, I know I am. I know there are others like me that tend to feel Alone in a crowded room but I’ve stopped expressing my needs, yelling out to anyone who will listen. It is just a waste of my energy and I have no need for it, people only care about whats important and it is REALLY easy to see weather someone cares or not.

I actually wrote a poem, ill attach it too the end

I sit in this room, alone

Hazel chandlers dangling, sluggish movement left to right asking me to join them

So close, so far

Asking to be seen in a world that only has tunnel vision.

I cannot pretend anymore

My curves exude my confidence

But all there is to be seen is what we want

My body disappears 

I just want to be viewed as if I am a diet video in a world trying to love themselves

It feels almost pointless to ask

To be seen in a world full of things to look at 

It feels like committing sin

Maybe it is,

But if your reading this by now

I’ve finally been seen

This is what I have to tell the person that saw me.

I am on the autism spectrum

by lostboundries

So I want to let you all know a few things, well mainly one in particular and I am sorry I am sending this so late into the night

I am autistic, I have Aspergers. This is nothing new, this was actually told to me after I was released from the hospital when I was first diagnosed with depression when I went to see a therapist. (This was right after my brain injury so sorry if there was any confusion there)

Now, from what I understand Aspergers is “High functioning autism. Not that I fully understand that or really get it but hey, it’s there. I suppose it is kinda like being diagnosed with high functioning depression.

It has never really bothered me but I think that is because I never really gave it the chance to speak. I never really tried to understand anything that happened in my life at that point. I mean can you blame me? I was 14.

It was not until recently that I actually decided to do the soul searching and read into how I felt about the things that happend 7 years ago. I guess it was because I never wanted to accept this new reality, I wanted to continue to fabricate this world in where I never had a brain injury and everything wasn’t different and I could just continue as two separate people. One who had everything stripped away, and one who was continuing to cling to a fantasy that never really existed.

I’d argue that having to come to terms with the fact that I am autistic has made me an even stronger person than before. I’ve been watching a YouTube’r by the alias “Paige Laye” and to be completely honest, she made me remember what the doctor had said to me. Her videos are very informative and she really seems like she is trying to do this only to help people and out of the kindness of her heart.

To get into my therapist though… he was downright horrible and quite frankly I don’t know how he got into the field. I have a much better therapist now and someone I very much trust and like working with and have worked with for almost 5 years now. wish that woman nothing but the best.

But yes, I am autistic and I just want to make that loud and clear, a-lot of it makes sense but a-lot of it is also rather confusing and weird. it’s still quite a-lot to navigate but I feel like if I down let this out then I will just continue to spiral and spiral.

It just clicked

by lostboundries

I am so starved for a relationship, for someone to want me and to be with me and to understand me that I might be choosing people or relationships that are bad just because it is a potential option. that’s pretty shitty, especially when you realize it. Now for the most part I pride myself on being a rather alone person, don’t get me wrong through, it hurts like hell to be alone. but for me there is now peace in the art. it is not just me feeling like I am going insane anymore, I actually feel like I can get something out of my day to day life without wishing for the company of someone. I go to the gym quite a bit, I also work a retail job so that is a-lot of my time as well. it honestly is not completely bad. I do find myself wanting to connect with friends and for the most part I try my best too. But, my friends are mostly buy. living on your own is expensive, and it often has them doing a-lot of work to make money and honestly if it is not that they might be hanging out with their partner. I wish they could hang out with me but its their choice. for my own mental health lets not talk about the probability that i might just not be a priority. A Lot of things hurt and bother me, but it is what it is. I will just have to find out some way to make things better on my own.

I know this post may not have made a ton of sense but these are honestly my thoughts at the moment.

So today I had an interview

by lostboundries

I had an Interview for a internship and I am pretty sure I bombed it. it was a job working for as a digital marketing and social media assistant. Let me just say that I have Never worked in that field, I’ve also never had a “Professional” Job. I feel that I really want this job, it is payed but that isn’t really the reason I am here. I want experience, I want to learn and educate myself on the working world. I found out that they just recently hired the marketing and social media manager so if I made it too the second round of interviews that’s who I would be meeting. I really don’t know if I could get the job but I think it is worth a try either way. I believe I will hear back in a month either way so that would be nice.

Sorry for the rather short update but I hope you area all doing well.

Letting them win

by lostboundries

So there is this thought that I have been juggling for quite a while, and I really think it’s kind of the natural conclusion to many of my story arcs. This idea of not letting hold things over you and chalking it up to the game, and letting a loss be a loss. I don’t want to keep holding hate; I don’t want to keep thinking of the ones that hurt me or how I’ve never got closure. I just don’t think it’s worth it anymore in this state in my life, at least not this stuff.

I know I said I would let them win, but that does not mean I will forget what happened. History repeats itself for fools that don’t learn from their mistakes. I will let what they have done rest in my mind, hopefully it will surface close to the front but far enough back that it isn’t one of my first thoughts while I maybe spend time with that person.

I don’t want to end up spending so much time wishing for people back or wishing that I had changed how I did this in my life. I am willing to let them win so that these chains no longer hold me in place.

I think I have been trying too hard

Too long spent holding onto chains rusted

ran through channel islands of bliss only to wade in waters of discontent.

I don’t think I can “win” it’s only a 3 lettered word

But, by now, it feels like opening a novel

it just does not interest me.

The loneliness epidemic

by lostboundries

It’s not that I feel completely lost or even scared of how my life is going. I mean if I am being honest it isn’t completely bad. However, I do have a severe lack of decent connections and I have an abundance of superficial connections with people. also for an update, I have finished college and am now transferring to my local university to be able to get my degree and hopefully better my life.

Right now I am trying to make more connections but I also feel it is alot harder when your pool of friends isn’t to big but it is also not too small. sorry this is such a short update. it just feels good to write something

I’m a little lost right now.

by lostboundries

Let me just talk real quick about how every-time I go on this app, it feels like the layout has changed or its giving me a notification of some new feature.

To get right into things I am not moving out, at least I think. I was really hoping to, honestly it was a big part of my driving force to keep getting things done. I have been trying really HARD at school this semester, and that was a big motivator for me. The fact that i could potentially move out, but, school housing is far to expensive and my parents don’t want me doing dorm life because they think I will hate it. I mean everyone I have talked to has told me they did not like it. I guess good roommates are hard to find.

It does really suck to not be moving out, its really deflating and makes me not really want to do work haha. it was kinda one of my only motivators pushing me to finish well. Not to mention the fact that all my work for college is due within the final month because my teachers are assholes. I really do not get why teachers do that, like they’ll have everything crammed into the last 3 week of school and expect you to do well, meanwhile if you fuck up early on, you just have an F for the whole time lol. I really do not get it haha.

I mean I guess it is still good I am saving money. I only really recently made a concentrated effort to start saving so I have a tiny savings acc but its growing and I am proud of that.

So let us talk about school again

by lostboundries

My thoughts on school aren’t (most likely) ever going to change but while that is the case, I have learned that school is something that most people need.

School in and of itself is there to facilitate growing and problem solving more than anything, I’m not talking of the kind you do for an equation. I am talking of the kind you do for life, finding out what you like and are willing to put up with. Really growing as a human rather then a good worker.

Becoming a person that you can be proud of is something that I think we should all search for and try to obtain. Being happy with ourselves isn’t only something that we fulfill for ourselves, we also fulfill it for others. We create a model of ourselves that we try to project to anyone and everyone that sees us. This model is perfect as we can mold it during those school and younger years to start becoming who we want to see.

Waking up and realizing how far you have walked

by lostboundries

So, a few days ago I really looked at my life. all of my achievements and failures. How far I have come and where I have come too, also how far I still have to walk.

It honestly became quite hard not to smile, by all accounts I should be dead and I will explain that in a bit.

In 2014, I had a brain injury (AVM to be exact) and it should have killed me. I don’t know what kept me alive but we will call it a miracle. Seeing as how I just got accepted into college (yes, I transfered from a JC) I took this chance just to see how far I have walked.

At this point, the most vivid thing I remember is being told that I may want to consider entering the special Olympics as a way to continue sports (since they had been such a big part of my life). I personally was (and still kinda am) disgusted by that idea. For me, that was never an option and I was going to get back to being able to do things (like run track) by any means necessary. Personally I do not recommend this as a plan of attack, it works but most people cannot stomach that level of failure, I will just be blunt and say I put myself through much more then your average 14 yr old goes through.

The funny part is, even when I finally did it and was able to get to where I wanted…. turns out somewhere along the line I had lost all interest in sports. I did however gain a burning love for fitness in general (it was prob also because this was kinda destructive for me) and that has been with me ever since. I blazed through my recovery in about 2 months and was able to start as a freshman the same time as everyone else which surprised everyone including my doctors that I was that determined after almost dying.

I even went as far as too completely throw away my IEP (a thing to help students with “disability’s”) and refuse to take advantage of or even use it in my whole time at high-school. Looking back, this was all kinda stupid and I should have taken a bit more time. I understand why I did it but still it was unnecessary and painful, Very Very painful.

But, it’s my life. It’s funny, its full of mistakes, but, it got me to where I am and that makes me smile.

The future only matters once its close enough to reach, once it finally is, it is already the present.