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Feeling alone in a crowded room

by lostboundries

I just want to say from the jump that I am a little bit of a pessimist

So a little background about a convo that I had last night with a friend: I was under the impression that we had a little thing going on, (if you understand what I mean) a little fling even if you will. This person had explained to me since I asked that “You can’t hold me, physically comfort me” and at that point I just kinda left the chat and didn’t respond. I don’t want to be hurt, I mean can you blame me? I am so numb to the idea of sacrificing myself for others sake that I guess I just don’t wanna do it anymore. I can’t.

The talk, it was just kinda a wake up call cuss it was them crying over the phone to me and like talking about how they want to feel loved and appreciated and how they keep making bad mistakes based on past trauma of trying to be loved. And I was just sitting there on the other end unable to cry even though I wanted to. Unable to be sad but wanting too. It made me think “when did I stop crying and showing emotion?”. It just kinda hurt because I wanted/want those same things. I want to be loved and cared for and appreciated. I keep telling myself I’m worth it. I keep telling myself it’ll be worth the wait but at a certain point, you just get tired of waiting. You start thinking you’re the reason that nobody loves you but you don’t know what else to change. And you’re mad at the fact you had to change in the first place. You don’t know what you’re aiming for but you know that staying here is the fastest way to be miserable. I think, and I explained this to her. I think we change and modify ourselves outta desperation, we don’t know if there could be anyone on the other end of the rainbow (most times there’s not) but it’s the potential of someone being there that makes us wanna change.

I should add that I am not one to cry and complain about how alone I am anymore, I know I am. I know there are others like me that tend to feel Alone in a crowded room but I’ve stopped expressing my needs, yelling out to anyone who will listen. It is just a waste of my energy and I have no need for it, people only care about whats important and it is REALLY easy to see weather someone cares or not.

I actually wrote a poem, ill attach it too the end

I sit in this room, alone

Hazel chandlers dangling, sluggish movement left to right asking me to join them

So close, so far

Asking to be seen in a world that only has tunnel vision.

I cannot pretend anymore

My curves exude my confidence

But all there is to be seen is what we want

My body disappears 

I just want to be viewed as if I am a diet video in a world trying to love themselves

It feels almost pointless to ask

To be seen in a world full of things to look at 

It feels like committing sin

Maybe it is,

But if your reading this by now

I’ve finally been seen

This is what I have to tell the person that saw me.

I am on the autism spectrum

by lostboundries

So I want to let you all know a few things, well mainly one in particular and I am sorry I am sending this so late into the night

I am autistic, I have Aspergers. This is nothing new, this was actually told to me after I was released from the hospital when I was first diagnosed with depression when I went to see a therapist. (This was right after my brain injury so sorry if there was any confusion there)

Now, from what I understand Aspergers is “High functioning autism. Not that I fully understand that or really get it but hey, it’s there. I suppose it is kinda like being diagnosed with high functioning depression.

It has never really bothered me but I think that is because I never really gave it the chance to speak. I never really tried to understand anything that happened in my life at that point. I mean can you blame me? I was 14.

It was not until recently that I actually decided to do the soul searching and read into how I felt about the things that happend 7 years ago. I guess it was because I never wanted to accept this new reality, I wanted to continue to fabricate this world in where I never had a brain injury and everything wasn’t different and I could just continue as two separate people. One who had everything stripped away, and one who was continuing to cling to a fantasy that never really existed.

I’d argue that having to come to terms with the fact that I am autistic has made me an even stronger person than before. I’ve been watching a YouTube’r by the alias “Paige Laye” and to be completely honest, she made me remember what the doctor had said to me. Her videos are very informative and she really seems like she is trying to do this only to help people and out of the kindness of her heart.

To get into my therapist though… he was downright horrible and quite frankly I don’t know how he got into the field. I have a much better therapist now and someone I very much trust and like working with and have worked with for almost 5 years now. wish that woman nothing but the best.

But yes, I am autistic and I just want to make that loud and clear, a-lot of it makes sense but a-lot of it is also rather confusing and weird. it’s still quite a-lot to navigate but I feel like if I down let this out then I will just continue to spiral and spiral.

It just clicked

by lostboundries

I am so starved for a relationship, for someone to want me and to be with me and to understand me that I might be choosing people or relationships that are bad just because it is a potential option. that’s pretty shitty, especially when you realize it. Now for the most part I pride myself on being a rather alone person, don’t get me wrong through, it hurts like hell to be alone. but for me there is now peace in the art. it is not just me feeling like I am going insane anymore, I actually feel like I can get something out of my day to day life without wishing for the company of someone. I go to the gym quite a bit, I also work a retail job so that is a-lot of my time as well. it honestly is not completely bad. I do find myself wanting to connect with friends and for the most part I try my best too. But, my friends are mostly buy. living on your own is expensive, and it often has them doing a-lot of work to make money and honestly if it is not that they might be hanging out with their partner. I wish they could hang out with me but its their choice. for my own mental health lets not talk about the probability that i might just not be a priority. A Lot of things hurt and bother me, but it is what it is. I will just have to find out some way to make things better on my own.

I know this post may not have made a ton of sense but these are honestly my thoughts at the moment.

So today I had an interview

by lostboundries

I had an Interview for a internship and I am pretty sure I bombed it. it was a job working for as a digital marketing and social media assistant. Let me just say that I have Never worked in that field, I’ve also never had a “Professional” Job. I feel that I really want this job, it is payed but that isn’t really the reason I am here. I want experience, I want to learn and educate myself on the working world. I found out that they just recently hired the marketing and social media manager so if I made it too the second round of interviews that’s who I would be meeting. I really don’t know if I could get the job but I think it is worth a try either way. I believe I will hear back in a month either way so that would be nice.

Sorry for the rather short update but I hope you area all doing well.

Letting them win

by lostboundries

So there is this thought that I have been juggling for quite a while, and I really think it’s kind of the natural conclusion to many of my story arcs. This idea of not letting hold things over you and chalking it up to the game, and letting a loss be a loss. I don’t want to keep holding hate; I don’t want to keep thinking of the ones that hurt me or how I’ve never got closure. I just don’t think it’s worth it anymore in this state in my life, at least not this stuff.

I know I said I would let them win, but that does not mean I will forget what happened. History repeats itself for fools that don’t learn from their mistakes. I will let what they have done rest in my mind, hopefully it will surface close to the front but far enough back that it isn’t one of my first thoughts while I maybe spend time with that person.

I don’t want to end up spending so much time wishing for people back or wishing that I had changed how I did this in my life. I am willing to let them win so that these chains no longer hold me in place.

I think I have been trying too hard

Too long spent holding onto chains rusted

ran through channel islands of bliss only to wade in waters of discontent.

I don’t think I can “win” it’s only a 3 lettered word

But, by now, it feels like opening a novel

it just does not interest me.

So let us talk about school again

by lostboundries

My thoughts on school aren’t (most likely) ever going to change but while that is the case, I have learned that school is something that most people need.

School in and of itself is there to facilitate growing and problem solving more than anything, I’m not talking of the kind you do for an equation. I am talking of the kind you do for life, finding out what you like and are willing to put up with. Really growing as a human rather then a good worker.

Becoming a person that you can be proud of is something that I think we should all search for and try to obtain. Being happy with ourselves isn’t only something that we fulfill for ourselves, we also fulfill it for others. We create a model of ourselves that we try to project to anyone and everyone that sees us. This model is perfect as we can mold it during those school and younger years to start becoming who we want to see.

How I have been (what’s been going on)

by lostboundries

So, I hope you are all well but to be quite honest, I know 2021 is a bit rocky so the last thing I wanna do is take up your time incase you need yo get your affairs in order.

In brief, I have to get a Operation done on my head to replace my shunt.

What that means (longer explanation) is that I have to have my shunt from my AVM (Brain bleed) which has a 10% (added) every year to close up from scar tissue. For me, it has been 7 yrs since I have gotten the first one and have never replaced it. This means it has been 7 years of a added 10% chance (so in total 70%) of it not yet failing. I should also mention that if I do not get the surgery I will most likely die because then I will have an 80% chance it will fail and well, that will lead me to die. So, it must be said that this is kind of mandatory as far as surgery goes.

It has not really bothered me that I have to have this done, I mean it could be a lot worse haha. I could not currently be compensating for the lack of function of the current shunt and could be in a coma or worse for all I know (and yes, that means technically, any moment that could happen).

I am pretty thankful for this happening, I mean, I would not be where I was, I would not have made all the strives that I have. I also would definitely not know any of you and quite frankly that would make me sad.

I cannot control what happens throughout the day, only how I react to every given situation

What has happened at capitol Hill

by lostboundries

Warning: This blog post will talk about what has recently occurred the impact that this event has and will leave. Please be warned this may not be the best talk but it will be brief.

What took place was nothing more then treason

I ,as many others, simply watched from the various feeds all over social media depicting a very morally broken and unjust Governmental system showing it’s fruits it had grown over the course of 4 years at the unholy “Garden of Eden”.

I did see a day like this coming, I think we all did. I however, believe nobody expected this. I mean if there was any trust in the government up to this point it is now shattered and being swept under the rouge and might not ever have the chance to be fixed.

I do not know what the future holds, inauguration day is set for Jan 20th as it always has but Trump will not be there. There seem to be many good reasons for this but we should be wary of the reasons we may not be thinking of just yet, please keep that in mind as we move forward.

So it is January

by lostboundries

well, now that it is finally January, I might as well become a productive machine, right?

Well no, I can’t I am becoming far more of the person I want to be, and to my credit I have started off this year in good spirits. However, I have to keep in mind that my life will constantly change throughout this year and big goals are almost meaningless.

When I say big goals are almost meaningless, I mean that they most likely won’t come true. I just have to keep doing what little things I have always been doing or recently adopted and the end result will be in my favor.

I know this was kind of a shorter update and blog post but I really am trying to make this more of a constant.

Burning your own bridges (Lost Blog #6)

by lostboundries

I feel as if to feel this happy, I have somehow burned one of my own bridges or perhaps, made a deal with some unholy entity to secure my mindset for the foreseeable future.
It feels as if my whole life outlook has changed for the better (personally speaking), but I feel as if it has brought me away from the few humans I interact with.
While I don’t feel alone or lost, I do feel a little standoff-ish. But, I have no doubt that I will make more friends and life will continue as planned if not better in some way!
I love life, and I want to continue to feel that way so whatever I can do to feel that way, I will do.
When I titled this “Burning your own Bridges” I was not really sure what that mean’t, after pondering what that truly means. I’ve come to the conclusion that I have burnt various bridges on the way I used to look at things.
While I am no longer to look at life the same way, I feel it is heavily for the netter and will help me to grow in the long run.
Never be afraid to change for the better.