love

Waking up and realizing how far you have walked

by lostboundries

So, a few days ago I really looked at my life. all of my achievements and failures. How far I have come and where I have come too, also how far I still have to walk.

It honestly became quite hard not to smile, by all accounts I should be dead and I will explain that in a bit.

In 2014, I had a brain injury (AVM to be exact) and it should have killed me. I don’t know what kept me alive but we will call it a miracle. Seeing as how I just got accepted into college (yes, I transfered from a JC) I took this chance just to see how far I have walked.

At this point, the most vivid thing I remember is being told that I may want to consider entering the special Olympics as a way to continue sports (since they had been such a big part of my life). I personally was (and still kinda am) disgusted by that idea. For me, that was never an option and I was going to get back to being able to do things (like run track) by any means necessary. Personally I do not recommend this as a plan of attack, it works but most people cannot stomach that level of failure, I will just be blunt and say I put myself through much more then your average 14 yr old goes through.

The funny part is, even when I finally did it and was able to get to where I wanted…. turns out somewhere along the line I had lost all interest in sports. I did however gain a burning love for fitness in general (it was prob also because this was kinda destructive for me) and that has been with me ever since. I blazed through my recovery in about 2 months and was able to start as a freshman the same time as everyone else which surprised everyone including my doctors that I was that determined after almost dying.

I even went as far as too completely throw away my IEP (a thing to help students with “disability’s”) and refuse to take advantage of or even use it in my whole time at high-school. Looking back, this was all kinda stupid and I should have taken a bit more time. I understand why I did it but still it was unnecessary and painful, Very Very painful.

But, it’s my life. It’s funny, its full of mistakes, but, it got me to where I am and that makes me smile.

The future only matters once its close enough to reach, once it finally is, it is already the present.

So I just ended a 3 year relationship

by lostboundries

Yep, today is 2/24/21 and I just ended a 3 year relationship with (prob) my best friend since I started college (3 years ago).

I know it does not make a lot of sense but let me explain, me and this girl (yes, a girl) were in a fling at the very start of the friendship (4 months in, i believe) and it clearly did not workout. But, as I was supposed to be becoming friends with this person since the fling didn’t workout. I think my Self-esteem started to fall around that time as well which led me to become quite sad and lonely. So lonely in fact that it basically consumed me for the better part of 3 years. Loneliness is a really dangerous thing, especially when you think that is the farthest thing from the truth.

As the years went on, we would fight and drift back together. But, over that time my love for her grew but it was a only a relationship in which she told me to jump and I asked “How High”. So over the years, I really only ended up finding myself to blame.

This most recent event that finally sent me over the edge and allowed me to see how little she valued me (don’t be mistaken, I am at fault here but not for ending the friendship) took place really over a couple of days. I tried to schedule some time to hangout with her and wasted my time for countless time by being late and being unaccountable for her as well as my time.

At about 4 pm today I called her and got a little heated that it was 4 pm and she still had not even left the house. We end up not hanging out and arguing for the rest of the day because we both did not want to say that we had disrespected each other (she says I blew up on her and disrespected her with my words and how I talked to her.). I did in fact not be the nicest person but I was in no way calling her out of her name.

I feel I deserve better, I feel I deserve people who value my time and thus value my person, I think I am valuable and time is one of those things I can’t get back so I do not want to waste it on someone who can’t even understand how much it bothers and hurts me to be repeatedly fucked over like that.

2020 Recap, Good and bad

by lostboundries

Hello everyone, Long time no see tight? Look, I understand that this year has been abysmal at best. But, there can be good through hell fire, not much good (considering how this year went but still).

I’d have to Imagine, nobody went through 2020 and remained the same in every way. This year was rough. But, that may still come to make a better ending then imagined.

In this year alone I have personally: Lost my closest friend, went to the bottom (in terms of depression), Been in isolation for a year now (wow it has been that long?), and gone through the shit show that was my fall semester at school.

But, I have also: Found an unperilled amount of love and joys and passion, Learned to love silence and being alone, Found hope and faith in places I no longer cared to look, and over all just found peace.

I also started Anti-depressants, for what it’s worth (it is still pretty early on) they have proved to be very useful in my life and helped in putting the final block (I think) for my mental health.

Ao yes, this year was pretty shit, but there is never light without darkness and vice versa. I hope you will tell me about your life as well, I will see you soon.

LostBlog#2 (personal experience)

by lostboundries

The fear of being stationary

I have gone through a lot in regards of feeling “stuck”.

From feeling like I was going nowhere fast at the age of 17 to thinking I hadn’t moved anywhere (metaphorically speaking) since I was 12.

It often isn’t the easiest thing to get “unstuck” either. It can range from taking a few days to a few years, in truth, a rut is something that can often times turn into an abyss that takes (or can take) years to crawl out of.

I have a couple of ideas to make these trials a tad bit less daunting and impossible looking to get past.

1.Look as much to the bright side as possible (even if there isn’t one)

Looking into darkness will only bring a sense of calmness once completely enveloped in it. Looking to the bright side will more (more times than not) be harder, as well as take more time but, it will without a shadow of a doubt be far more rewarding.

You will come from this experience with life lessons and strategies for life if you work in this fashion, especially for the struggles you may encounter further down the road of life.

2.Keeping moving forward, never backwards

This step might be a little self explanatory, but even knowing that, I still never utilized this simple fact for years.

In order to walk forward, you must know of a starting line in general to make any progress walking forward, in any sense you must know of the wall behind you to walk away from it.

I know these strategies may not work for everyone but I hope you may all find something useful in this, if I can help even one person then this will all have been worth it.

loneliness v.s simply being alone (my personal experince)

by lostboundries

loneliness is a privilege not many can afford to experience. I would have not have felt this way at all if you had spoke to me about this even one month ago. But as of recent I find myself craving the alone time. where I can just think and be (rather) content on my own.but as I slowly start to see the world that I live in and those that inhabit it and think of them. As a society of humans we are very dependent on one another. so much so intact that we also feel alone and suffer physical and mental effects of loneliness.

Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible form of poverty. – Mother Theresa

Loneliness (which I have dealt with and still deal with) has run rampant for a large majority of my life. at times I felt as if I was victim to my own thoughts and memories, so self absorbed in looking down the timelines of things such as facebook and twitter. However what appeared as a more apparent problem was the fact that some of my memories from a bit of a ways back had seemed to somehow comeback front and center and were now somewhat more apparent then before. I found myself longing for human touch and feel, so much so to the point where I would do a lot of questionable things just to be around (unjust and wrong type for me) people. it felt as if I utterly needed there touch just to get through another day but that couldn’t be father (in my case).

Isolation is the one sure way to human happiness

-Glenn Gould

A man in isolation, free from the burdens other humans provide. is in a temporary paradise, stay too long and the thing you wish to get so far away from may end up becoming what you crave most. In isolation it is very easy to feel lost, hard to feel any sense of personal headway at all. there inlays where most people give up, deciding you need to work on yourself, pushing those toxic away is the easy part. In all that lies a more serious problem. the problem oof how will you manage to work on yourself all by yourself. most people just simply find a new click and change there outward appearance and try to act for as long as possible as if they’ve changed. In the process convincing themselves as well that they have done what they think they have. Spend any long term amount of time with that person and you will find they are no more different then when you first heard from them, rather, they might now be worse off, Having spent all that energy putting up a facade of sorts they have none to actually work on themselves.

What lies beyond “soul searching” as a simple saying? lots and lots of time looking into yourself, usually in isolation because if you spend all your energy in pursuit of a higher sense of self, most often then not, You have very little energy to spend on anyone else.

The act of Isolation and being alone while not for everyone. Is (In my opinion) extremely rewarding and as mentally sound as practices can be. it rewards me with a strong sense of self, as well as quite frankly giving me the needed rest I must have from people in order to pursue another day.