writer

Feeling alone in a crowded room

by lostboundries

I just want to say from the jump that I am a little bit of a pessimist

So a little background about a convo that I had last night with a friend: I was under the impression that we had a little thing going on, (if you understand what I mean) a little fling even if you will. This person had explained to me since I asked that “You can’t hold me, physically comfort me” and at that point I just kinda left the chat and didn’t respond. I don’t want to be hurt, I mean can you blame me? I am so numb to the idea of sacrificing myself for others sake that I guess I just don’t wanna do it anymore. I can’t.

The talk, it was just kinda a wake up call cuss it was them crying over the phone to me and like talking about how they want to feel loved and appreciated and how they keep making bad mistakes based on past trauma of trying to be loved. And I was just sitting there on the other end unable to cry even though I wanted to. Unable to be sad but wanting too. It made me think “when did I stop crying and showing emotion?”. It just kinda hurt because I wanted/want those same things. I want to be loved and cared for and appreciated. I keep telling myself I’m worth it. I keep telling myself it’ll be worth the wait but at a certain point, you just get tired of waiting. You start thinking you’re the reason that nobody loves you but you don’t know what else to change. And you’re mad at the fact you had to change in the first place. You don’t know what you’re aiming for but you know that staying here is the fastest way to be miserable. I think, and I explained this to her. I think we change and modify ourselves outta desperation, we don’t know if there could be anyone on the other end of the rainbow (most times there’s not) but it’s the potential of someone being there that makes us wanna change.

I should add that I am not one to cry and complain about how alone I am anymore, I know I am. I know there are others like me that tend to feel Alone in a crowded room but I’ve stopped expressing my needs, yelling out to anyone who will listen. It is just a waste of my energy and I have no need for it, people only care about whats important and it is REALLY easy to see weather someone cares or not.

I actually wrote a poem, ill attach it too the end

I sit in this room, alone

Hazel chandlers dangling, sluggish movement left to right asking me to join them

So close, so far

Asking to be seen in a world that only has tunnel vision.

I cannot pretend anymore

My curves exude my confidence

But all there is to be seen is what we want

My body disappears 

I just want to be viewed as if I am a diet video in a world trying to love themselves

It feels almost pointless to ask

To be seen in a world full of things to look at 

It feels like committing sin

Maybe it is,

But if your reading this by now

I’ve finally been seen

This is what I have to tell the person that saw me.

I am on the autism spectrum

by lostboundries

So I want to let you all know a few things, well mainly one in particular and I am sorry I am sending this so late into the night

I am autistic, I have Aspergers. This is nothing new, this was actually told to me after I was released from the hospital when I was first diagnosed with depression when I went to see a therapist. (This was right after my brain injury so sorry if there was any confusion there)

Now, from what I understand Aspergers is “High functioning autism. Not that I fully understand that or really get it but hey, it’s there. I suppose it is kinda like being diagnosed with high functioning depression.

It has never really bothered me but I think that is because I never really gave it the chance to speak. I never really tried to understand anything that happened in my life at that point. I mean can you blame me? I was 14.

It was not until recently that I actually decided to do the soul searching and read into how I felt about the things that happend 7 years ago. I guess it was because I never wanted to accept this new reality, I wanted to continue to fabricate this world in where I never had a brain injury and everything wasn’t different and I could just continue as two separate people. One who had everything stripped away, and one who was continuing to cling to a fantasy that never really existed.

I’d argue that having to come to terms with the fact that I am autistic has made me an even stronger person than before. I’ve been watching a YouTube’r by the alias “Paige Laye” and to be completely honest, she made me remember what the doctor had said to me. Her videos are very informative and she really seems like she is trying to do this only to help people and out of the kindness of her heart.

To get into my therapist though… he was downright horrible and quite frankly I don’t know how he got into the field. I have a much better therapist now and someone I very much trust and like working with and have worked with for almost 5 years now. wish that woman nothing but the best.

But yes, I am autistic and I just want to make that loud and clear, a-lot of it makes sense but a-lot of it is also rather confusing and weird. it’s still quite a-lot to navigate but I feel like if I down let this out then I will just continue to spiral and spiral.

It just clicked

by lostboundries

I am so starved for a relationship, for someone to want me and to be with me and to understand me that I might be choosing people or relationships that are bad just because it is a potential option. that’s pretty shitty, especially when you realize it. Now for the most part I pride myself on being a rather alone person, don’t get me wrong through, it hurts like hell to be alone. but for me there is now peace in the art. it is not just me feeling like I am going insane anymore, I actually feel like I can get something out of my day to day life without wishing for the company of someone. I go to the gym quite a bit, I also work a retail job so that is a-lot of my time as well. it honestly is not completely bad. I do find myself wanting to connect with friends and for the most part I try my best too. But, my friends are mostly buy. living on your own is expensive, and it often has them doing a-lot of work to make money and honestly if it is not that they might be hanging out with their partner. I wish they could hang out with me but its their choice. for my own mental health lets not talk about the probability that i might just not be a priority. A Lot of things hurt and bother me, but it is what it is. I will just have to find out some way to make things better on my own.

I know this post may not have made a ton of sense but these are honestly my thoughts at the moment.

So it is febuary

by lostboundries

I know what I said, But first off, welcome to February and Black History month. With a new month comes new opportunities and (hopefully) less challenges. In this month I have started My last semester of school, I did have a winter session class so sadly there was little to no winter break for me but that was ok. I (hopefully) got accepted into my college and am on my way to a bachelors degree in communication. This has definitely been a long road and a long time coming but I am just grateful that I am even hear along for the ride.

I am currently signed up for 5 classes, but the 5th is actually just more busy work than anything so I do not really mind. I was very much scared of two classes, I was scared of my Spch 120 class (I had her last semester and am afraid that because of that she will discount me,) as well as my Psyc 205 (Math is my worst subject) surprisingly my math class is being set up to be one of my best math classes I have ever taken and I am really looking forward to it.

However, even with all the luck I have, I know I will still have many doubt filled nights ahead of me where the questionability of what I am doing will come into play. I know I can do this I am just not ready to ask myself at what cost.

That is all for now, here’s to us talking again before February’s end.

What has happened at capitol Hill

by lostboundries

Warning: This blog post will talk about what has recently occurred the impact that this event has and will leave. Please be warned this may not be the best talk but it will be brief.

What took place was nothing more then treason

I ,as many others, simply watched from the various feeds all over social media depicting a very morally broken and unjust Governmental system showing it’s fruits it had grown over the course of 4 years at the unholy “Garden of Eden”.

I did see a day like this coming, I think we all did. I however, believe nobody expected this. I mean if there was any trust in the government up to this point it is now shattered and being swept under the rouge and might not ever have the chance to be fixed.

I do not know what the future holds, inauguration day is set for Jan 20th as it always has but Trump will not be there. There seem to be many good reasons for this but we should be wary of the reasons we may not be thinking of just yet, please keep that in mind as we move forward.

So it is January

by lostboundries

well, now that it is finally January, I might as well become a productive machine, right?

Well no, I can’t I am becoming far more of the person I want to be, and to my credit I have started off this year in good spirits. However, I have to keep in mind that my life will constantly change throughout this year and big goals are almost meaningless.

When I say big goals are almost meaningless, I mean that they most likely won’t come true. I just have to keep doing what little things I have always been doing or recently adopted and the end result will be in my favor.

I know this was kind of a shorter update and blog post but I really am trying to make this more of a constant.

Finding light in darkness (LostBlog#7)

by lostboundries

(Personal Experience)

I have found that depression Has created a orb of darkness that I am encompassed in, but while inside I can see the light shinning all around me.
Darkness is a orb that lets nothing shine in, at first I didn’t like it but I have been enveloped in it for so long that I find it comforting.
I suppose I find it comforting because I can work in it, I can feel it and it has gotten to the point where it does not phase me anymore to be sad.
Although, the shine of light is strong and vivid. I love it so much and feel good from just basking in it.

Even in an orb of darkness, I can still stretch the legs of light

Finding piece (Personal Experience) LostBlog #5

by lostboundries

Recently as you know I have been going through the motions and really becoming a better person.
All and all just affirming my beliefs and molding myself in this time of crisis. I as a person have found what grounds me, it feels like i’m a bit closer to maintain being whole.
while it is a battle I will never win, it Is a battle I try to be a participant in.
I guess my goal was never to actually win, just get both sides to work together in some way.
For any person who’s ever been at odds with someone, you know that that is a very hard thing and likely not to happen.
Personally I feel as if I have really found my love for poetry again, actually here is something I recently wrote.

“Why do we praise the same thing

Truth and trust over all,

Believing in one another is “key” but we let our beliefs be judged by different screens

But there all looking at the same out come, so many diffrent opinions I’m starting to wonder is life worth living if you don’t have one?

It’s what they all want

You must have something to share

Diffrent options on the ones who are controlling our life

Let’s all share!

But while we’re out giving our peace and our two cents

They’ve got a buck fifty

Nice shiny quarters put our cents to shame” -J.P

Refining a drive for something I truly love has made all my task far less daunting then originally thought to be.
I’m finding task that I would usually find boring and I would slack off, much more doable and I for one am ready to do them.
Nothing in this world last forever, so I know this feeling is fleeting.
But while I have a hold of it, I will use and nurture it so that next time it may last a little longer.

Feeling better (lost blog #4)

by lostboundries

Disclaimer, this is personal experience

Over the past few months there has been a worldwide pandemic that has left us very stationary and static (thanks Covid-19) state,

Even though that is the case, I have found the Quarantine to be very relaxing and proving to be the perfect scenario for personal growth (at least somewhat).

I find I have improved my self understanding as far as my mental state goes. I think my life has vastly improved, I have an understanding of what I want in life.

I am starting small project’s at scale (for me that means that I have started all of these with the intent to get them to be streams of revenue but that takes time… Lots of time)

Some of those projects are Blogging, Videography,More Poetry, things that have to do with those like editing as well.

The end goal is to have one or more of these be a stream of revenue for me so that I am able to largely do as I please without any (or little) interference.

It is and will continue to be a uphill battle for me inn my life, knowing my life is hard is somehow comforting because I know that I am alive

LostBlog#2 (personal experience)

by lostboundries

The fear of being stationary

I have gone through a lot in regards of feeling “stuck”.

From feeling like I was going nowhere fast at the age of 17 to thinking I hadn’t moved anywhere (metaphorically speaking) since I was 12.

It often isn’t the easiest thing to get “unstuck” either. It can range from taking a few days to a few years, in truth, a rut is something that can often times turn into an abyss that takes (or can take) years to crawl out of.

I have a couple of ideas to make these trials a tad bit less daunting and impossible looking to get past.

1.Look as much to the bright side as possible (even if there isn’t one)

Looking into darkness will only bring a sense of calmness once completely enveloped in it. Looking to the bright side will more (more times than not) be harder, as well as take more time but, it will without a shadow of a doubt be far more rewarding.

You will come from this experience with life lessons and strategies for life if you work in this fashion, especially for the struggles you may encounter further down the road of life.

2.Keeping moving forward, never backwards

This step might be a little self explanatory, but even knowing that, I still never utilized this simple fact for years.

In order to walk forward, you must know of a starting line in general to make any progress walking forward, in any sense you must know of the wall behind you to walk away from it.

I know these strategies may not work for everyone but I hope you may all find something useful in this, if I can help even one person then this will all have been worth it.