writing

Waking up and realizing how far you have walked

by lostboundries

So, a few days ago I really looked at my life. all of my achievements and failures. How far I have come and where I have come too, also how far I still have to walk.

It honestly became quite hard not to smile, by all accounts I should be dead and I will explain that in a bit.

In 2014, I had a brain injury (AVM to be exact) and it should have killed me. I don’t know what kept me alive but we will call it a miracle. Seeing as how I just got accepted into college (yes, I transfered from a JC) I took this chance just to see how far I have walked.

At this point, the most vivid thing I remember is being told that I may want to consider entering the special Olympics as a way to continue sports (since they had been such a big part of my life). I personally was (and still kinda am) disgusted by that idea. For me, that was never an option and I was going to get back to being able to do things (like run track) by any means necessary. Personally I do not recommend this as a plan of attack, it works but most people cannot stomach that level of failure, I will just be blunt and say I put myself through much more then your average 14 yr old goes through.

The funny part is, even when I finally did it and was able to get to where I wanted…. turns out somewhere along the line I had lost all interest in sports. I did however gain a burning love for fitness in general (it was prob also because this was kinda destructive for me) and that has been with me ever since. I blazed through my recovery in about 2 months and was able to start as a freshman the same time as everyone else which surprised everyone including my doctors that I was that determined after almost dying.

I even went as far as too completely throw away my IEP (a thing to help students with “disability’s”) and refuse to take advantage of or even use it in my whole time at high-school. Looking back, this was all kinda stupid and I should have taken a bit more time. I understand why I did it but still it was unnecessary and painful, Very Very painful.

But, it’s my life. It’s funny, its full of mistakes, but, it got me to where I am and that makes me smile.

The future only matters once its close enough to reach, once it finally is, it is already the present.

So I just ended a 3 year relationship

by lostboundries

Yep, today is 2/24/21 and I just ended a 3 year relationship with (prob) my best friend since I started college (3 years ago).

I know it does not make a lot of sense but let me explain, me and this girl (yes, a girl) were in a fling at the very start of the friendship (4 months in, i believe) and it clearly did not workout. But, as I was supposed to be becoming friends with this person since the fling didn’t workout. I think my Self-esteem started to fall around that time as well which led me to become quite sad and lonely. So lonely in fact that it basically consumed me for the better part of 3 years. Loneliness is a really dangerous thing, especially when you think that is the farthest thing from the truth.

As the years went on, we would fight and drift back together. But, over that time my love for her grew but it was a only a relationship in which she told me to jump and I asked “How High”. So over the years, I really only ended up finding myself to blame.

This most recent event that finally sent me over the edge and allowed me to see how little she valued me (don’t be mistaken, I am at fault here but not for ending the friendship) took place really over a couple of days. I tried to schedule some time to hangout with her and wasted my time for countless time by being late and being unaccountable for her as well as my time.

At about 4 pm today I called her and got a little heated that it was 4 pm and she still had not even left the house. We end up not hanging out and arguing for the rest of the day because we both did not want to say that we had disrespected each other (she says I blew up on her and disrespected her with my words and how I talked to her.). I did in fact not be the nicest person but I was in no way calling her out of her name.

I feel I deserve better, I feel I deserve people who value my time and thus value my person, I think I am valuable and time is one of those things I can’t get back so I do not want to waste it on someone who can’t even understand how much it bothers and hurts me to be repeatedly fucked over like that.

LostBlog#8

by lostboundries

LIES


I am not talking of the type who tells lies for their own benfit or justification, I am talking of the one who lies to better the ones they are lying too. a marytar in some sense.
We don’t talk of those who gladly die on a hill for our betterment and I think we should.
People should always know they are loved, But, espically those that do things in our blind spot.
Thodo that do things that we can’t, or won’t ever see
Those people are amazing and need to be respected,
Like everyone, they are trying and doing everything they can to improve.

Feeling better (lost blog #4)

by lostboundries

Disclaimer, this is personal experience

Over the past few months there has been a worldwide pandemic that has left us very stationary and static (thanks Covid-19) state,

Even though that is the case, I have found the Quarantine to be very relaxing and proving to be the perfect scenario for personal growth (at least somewhat).

I find I have improved my self understanding as far as my mental state goes. I think my life has vastly improved, I have an understanding of what I want in life.

I am starting small project’s at scale (for me that means that I have started all of these with the intent to get them to be streams of revenue but that takes time… Lots of time)

Some of those projects are Blogging, Videography,More Poetry, things that have to do with those like editing as well.

The end goal is to have one or more of these be a stream of revenue for me so that I am able to largely do as I please without any (or little) interference.

It is and will continue to be a uphill battle for me inn my life, knowing my life is hard is somehow comforting because I know that I am alive