fears

the fear of expectation

by lostboundries

the fear of expectation (for me) can be summed up in this poem.

“to some, my biggest challenge is nothing more then stepping over a small mole hill.

But to me, it is akin to crossing a casyim, continents. The only thing between me and the otherside, what fills all the space.

Self hatred” -J.P

now for me what is my biggest challenge right now is just having a talk and telling my parents I would like to take a break. there are plenty of problems in doing so.

1.”Isn’t that a little entitled?”

True, it kinda is, I mean it is not as if i pay for almsot anything, I don’t pay for my car (I do pay for gas and whatnot). I do not pay rent (although….I have been living in this house since i was 10 and now I’m 20), I buy alot of my own food so I can’t really use that one for either side. the last entitled thing would be that I get all my money (or most) refunded back to me by my parents that I spend on school. minus my textbooks that I bought this semsester (half of which i have not used).

2.”What do you plan to do”

sometimes, I draw blanks but, I would want to build a van to travel around in,Be a published poet, and being a traveling Barista. I don’t think it is that much of an offshot but sometimes I do, sometimes I do find myself thinking “what If I can’t do it”. I am worried of that but I will allow myself to be scared and nervous but go onward ever so steadily. If I don’t do it (and i am passionate and interested) I feel I will be mad at myself later down the road.

3.”how would you make money?”

honestly that’s a good question, however, I would make money by Being a barista which is obviously a job, upkeep for a van (unless the car itself has issues) is realtively inexpensive. Just the buy in is rather high (I”d imagine 8-10k) and hopefully being a published poet would slowly start to bring in some revnue.

So there you have it, I think those are the main concerns among others but even still those are what I think to be the most prominent.

what if it is all for not?

by lostboundries

I ask myself this a lot, in bed alone, at work, basically anywhere doing anything, this question lies in my mind. I really don’t have an answer to it.

I know that what I’m choosing to do is in some eyes stupid, I mean for those that did not know my dream is to live in a van (since the price of day to day coast is low and ya know travel), become a successful self-published author (my views of success are as follows: I can sell enough copies that, with the help of my barista side gig I can continue to live in my van and slowly transfer stores from place to place and maybe someday settle down.). I’d also like to be a traveling barista that has a website talking of each Starbucks I work at and some things in that area.

Do I think this is crazy yes! but I know for a fact this is what I want, right now I’m saving for the Van purchase and build. I’m still at a JC (I am going to finish before I start this hopefully, as I am a second-year now, but no promises.

The crazy part is I have not told my parents any of this, quite frankly I am afraid too. I don’t at all think they would be on my side. I’m currently building up a twitter following and a poetry collection so that I have something to show them. I really do want this, with just about every part of my being. I said almost because I still have my self-doubts, I know I will never be able to shake the fears but overtime hopefully they will go away or mitigate themselves.

I know I’m a bit crazy in thinking this (I don’t think so but you might) but I feel as if you have to be at least a little to get things done.